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The NBA released its Christmas schedule a few days ago, and NBA Twitter lost its collective mind as its apt to do. To be fair, what else are we supposed to talk about at the beginning of August? While Toronto at San Antonio would have been the greatest Christmas gift anyone outside of Kawhi Leonard could have asked for, the NBA did a decent job with their slate of games. So, here’s my assessment of each game in terms of different Christmas traditions.
Milwaukee Bucks at New York Knicks
The Knicks playing on Christmas is the equivalent of Christmas music. I understand it’s a tradition; it still doesn’t make it worth watching. Every once in a while, a popular modern artist will do a cover of an old Christmas song to try to make it relevant. That’s what the NBA is doing. They’re sending Giannis, one of the game’s rising young stars, to MSG to get people to actually tune in. I mean, I guess Drake doing a rendition of “White Christmas” will get me to listen, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be good.
Portland Trailblazers at Utah Jazz
This game is like going to church on Christmas Day. For the casuals, this will be the only time all year they will tune in to either of these teams. Some people may not be excited for it, but anyone who appreciates the true spirit of Christmas will be all in. Christmas has become so commercialized that everyone forgets who the day is really about, Basketball Jesus. You bet your ass I’m talking about Jinglin’ Joe Ingles. Watching him pull up for his picturesque jumper or trash talk his opponent into oblivion is akin to a religious experience.
Oklahoma City Thunder at Houston Rockets
Have you ever gotten a gift, hated it, then tried to re-gift it to someone else the next year? That’s Carmelo Anthony. He’s the gift that just keeps on giving away possessions. These two teams played on Christmas last year, and Carmelo actually had a decent game, 20 points in a Thunder win. It’s like going to someone’s house and having them make you waffles in their new waffle maker. You tell them, “Hey, those are pretty good waffles, I think I want a waffle maker of my own.” Then, next Christmas, they give you their waffle maker, but then you realize that the waffle maker refuses to come off the bench. No matter how much you try to convince the waffle maker that you have better options, it insists on you eating waffles for every meal. (I think waffles are a metaphor for long twos, but I’m not sure.)
Los Angeles Lakers at Golden State Warriors
LeBron vs. the Warriors have become a Christmas tradition in and of itself. It’s like coming home for Christmas. No matter how great you may be doing in your life, your family is always there to humble you. It doesn’t help that two years ago LeBron’s older brother brought home a gorgeous 7-footer named Katie that cooks up the sweetest jumper anyone has ever tasted. Well, now LeBron is bringing home a new girlfriend. Can she impress the family, or is she going get sloppy after a few too many eggnogs?
Philadelphia 76ers at Boston Celtics
This game is the present-opening aspect of Christmas Day. It’s objectively the best part of Christmas. Anyone that argues against that is just being a contrarian homer. Games between these two teams are going to be a highlight for years to come. It doesn’t matter when they play. Getting a present is awesome any time of the year.