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San Diego Union-Tribune
We can’t get enough of celebrities acting just like us. Jennifer Lawrence tripped during the Oscars? She’s so relatable! For hoops fans, seeing a celebrity play basketball is a magical thing.
For that reason, the NBA’s annual Celebrity All-Star Game has exploded in popularity. Since the inaugural contest in 2003, fans have been treated to an affair full of heart-warming, hilarious, and surprisingly competitive basketball. And that last point is critical; who are the best celebrity ballers out there?
The teams we’ll construct will be broken up into East and West, with seven players and two coaches on each squad. The retired professional athletes who often participate are disqualified. A few celebrities from multiple decades have been chosen regardless whether they have played in a Celebrity All-Star game before or not.
EAST (Shaolin Warriors):
PG: Kevin Hart (5’4”)
A Celebrity All-Star Game veteran and MVP, Hart can bring his high energy and theatrics to orchestrate the offense.
SG: Quavo (5’10”)
The 2018 game MVP, Quavo brings some much needed youth to this squad as well as finesse around the rim.
SF: Justin Timberlake (5’11”)
Another All-Star Game vet, JT brings a jumpshot that’s nearly as silky as he is, as seen in 2002 when he embarrassed Kenny Smith in the All-Star Game. Let’s just home he doesn’t bring back the frosted tips.
PF: J Cole (6’2”)
This master lyricist was also a proficient baller in high school, being able to do a little of everything.
C: Michael Clark Duncan (6’5”)
The man who stole our hearts as John Coffey was also a baller at his Chicago Community College before he took up acting. Suprise suprise, he’s going to be the muscle for this team.
F: Michael Rapaport (6’2”)
Rapaport brings much needed size to this squad as well as prolific defence as seen when he guarded Terrell Owens in the 2010 game. Rapaport has also earned MVP honors at this event.
G: George Clooney (5’11”)
When he’s not a smart-mouthed convict in 1930’s Mississippi or a very campy Batman, ole’ Danny Ocean has been known to be quite the baller, playing high school ball in his home state of Kentucky.
Coaches: Spike Lee, Drake
The two most involved and energetic basketball fans, ever. No contest.
WEST (The Manifest Destiny):
PG: Prince (5’3”)
“Game.. blouses.” Prince has gained celebrity basketball icon status from the famous Chappelle's Show sketch. Don’t let his size fool you, he will probably show up in 4-inch heels.
SG: Jamie Foxx (5’9”)
One of the most versatile men in show business, Foxx is just as versatile of an athlete. He played football and basketball in high school, and will be able to bring needed athleticism to this squad.
SF: Jason Sudekis (6’1”)
A self-proclaimed gym rat growing up, Sudekis idolized Pistol Pete’s flashy style and emulated it on the court.
PF: The Game (6’4”)
The rapper possesses great mix of size, strength, and speed which is much needed for this squad. Plays basketball recreationally in his free time and is a nightmare matchup for anyone.
C: Snoop Dogg (6’5”)
Long, lanky, and “calm”. Snoop Doggy-Dogg is an avid hoops fan who has the ability to send back shots on defense and can even step out and shoot the jumper. He puts a new meaning in the word “high flyer”.
F: Jason Segel (6’4”)
Playing high school basketball with NBA veteran Jason Collins, Segel has good size and surprising jumping ability that can overwhelm the defense.
G: Pres. Barack Obama (6’2”)
The 44th president is the 7th man on this squad, and for good reason. Barry has shown he enjoys a good game of hoops, and if anyone guards him too close, Secret Service will subdue you.
Coaches: Jack Nicholson, Ice Cube
This is perhaps the most terrifying coaching staff ever constructed. No nonsense, no fear, no losing.
The Matchup
Looking at the backcourt, a Hart/Prince matchup would be incredible considering how energetic Kevin can be, but how skilled and calm Prince was. The wings would be very evenly matched with similar heights and play styles. Sudekis has great ball handling and court vision, but Quavo demonstrated last year his ability to contend. The front court would see The Game playing more aggressively as to stop J. Cole and Duncan on the break, and Snoop to keep the paint locked down. Add in the mix of the Warrior’s defense in Rapaport and the Destiny using the added height of Segel, and this is a game that would be equal parts theatrical, physical, and magical.